How to Set Limits with your Infant and Toddler
We Know Limits Matter, But How to Do it?!
What to do to support your child when the limits you place result in difficult feelings for your child.
Click here to view the blog that talks about the importance of setting limits with your young children.
Navigating Limits
A Scenario with a Cat and Your Child
Setting limits is a vital part of parenting, and sometimes these situations arise unexpectedly. Imagine you and your child are visiting the home of a friend or relative who has a cat. The cat is clearly not interested in being touched or played with, as evidenced by its behavior—hiding, flattening its ears, flicking its tail, or even hissing and growling. Your young child, however, is not picking up on these cues and is eager to interact with the cat. In this scenario, it’s your responsibility to set a limit to keep both your child and the cat safe.
Setting and Communicating the Limit
When you notice that your child is not reading the cat’s signals, it’s crucial to step in and set a clear boundary. You might say, “You want to play with the cat, but the cat is not safe right now. It’s my job to keep you safe, so we can look at the cat, but we are going to stay over here, and the cat is going to stay over there.” This communicates to your child that while their desire to interact with the cat is understandable, it’s not possible in this situation. The boundary is set for safety, not as a punishment, and you make it clear that the decision is firm.
Handling Your Child’s Reaction
Your child may not be happy with this response and could react by swatting at you, whining, crying, or trying to approach the cat anyway. This is where your physical presence, along with a calm voice and facial expression, is crucial. Acknowledge your child’s desire by saying, “You want to hold the cat. I get it. He’s so fluffy, and I bet his fur feels really soft. We can look at the cat, but we are going to stay over here, and the cat is going to stay over there.” Recognizing their feelings validates their experience and helps them feel understood, even if they don’t like the limit. Over time, consistently setting and holding boundaries teaches them how to manage their emotions. It also builds trust that you are there to keep them safe, even when they are upset.
Supporting Your Child’s Emotional Experience
It’s important to acknowledge and empathize with your child’s emotions, even if you’re guessing what they might be feeling. You might say, “You feel angry/sad/disappointed that you can’t hold the cat.” Sometimes, this step takes a long time, and it’s necessary to continue verbalizing what you think your child may be experiencing: “You really want to hold the cat. You wish it were different. It feels so unfair that you can’t hold the cat.” By expressing empathy, you show your child that you understand their frustration, helping them process their emotions.
Offering Alternatives and Maintaining the Limit
After acknowledging their feelings, it’s helpful to offer an alternative activity. You could suggest, “We can look at the cat from here or snuggle like cats together.” Offering two choices is often more effective because it gives your child options without overwhelming them, especially when they’re upset. Allow your child time to consider their options. If they’re unable to make a choice, you may need to change your environment—move to another room, go outside, ask the family member to put the cat in another room, or even end the visit. Throughout this process, it’s essential to maintain the limit you’ve set while ensuring your child’s safety.
Embracing the Opportunity for Growth
It’s important to remember that your child is having a hard time in this moment, and it’s difficult for them not to get what they want. As adults, we know how challenging it can be to deal with disappointment, and it’s no different for children. When we view their struggle as an opportunity to support their growth, we help build their brain towards emotional regulation. This practice prepares them for future disappointments—something that happens frequently for toddlers and young children! The example of the cat can be applied to any situation where you need to set a limit, whether it’s about the remote control, a smartphone, a toy that belongs to an older child, or any other similar scenario. By consistently setting limits and supporting your child through their emotions, you help them develop the skills they need to navigate the world with confidence and understanding.
How Boundaries Benefit Parents, Too
Holding hands when walking in public can be an example of a limit or boundary for a young child.
Establishing boundaries and setting limits for young children is an essential part of parenting. Children thrive when they know what is acceptable and what is not, as it provides them with a sense of safety and predictability. Setting clear limits helps children understand the rules of their environment and the expectations placed upon them. When parents consistently enforce boundaries, children learn self-control and respect for others’ belongings and spaces. It also lays the foundation for developing healthy relationships as they grow.
Setting boundaries also benefits you as a parent. When your children learn early that certain items are not for them, you avoid the back and forth that often comes with inconsistent boundaries. While it may be hard to imagine now, before long, you will have a preschooler or elementary school student who is capable of taking or moving things when you aren't as physically close to them as you are now. Helping them learn where things belong in your home will make life less stressful for everyone. When everyone in the household knows what is not for them and how to put things back where they belong, it fosters a more organized and peaceful environment. Clear and consistent boundaries not only help your child feel secure but also create a more harmonious home for the entire family. Click here to read more.
BabySpace Coachella Valley
The playroom at BabySpace Coachella Valley.
Curious what setting boundaries looks like in real life? Come to BabySpace Coachella Valley! Groups are professionally led and opportunities to practice setting limits are organically built into the routine of group. Meeting with other parents and exploring together what you are envisioning life could look like with your infant and toddler is an invaluable piece of new parenthood. By sharing experiences with others in a place like a BabySpace Coachella Valley Mommy and Me group, parents can find solace in the shared journey of raising the next generation, embracing both the joys and the trials that come with it.
Serving the Coachella Valley and surrounding areas, including: Palm Springs, Cathedral City, Rancho Mirage, Indian Wells, Thousand Palms, Palm Desert, La Quinta, Indio, Bermuda Dunes, Coachella, Thermal, Mecca, Desert Hot Springs, Yucca Valley, and Joshua Tree.
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